How Can I Be Myself?
8/23/25
This is the Beginning.
I have struggled for a long time with trying to be myself. It is something that so many of us strive for, to be unique, to be true to ourselves, for better or for worse. I wonder if I am being myself. That used to mean that I was engaging with my interests and being proud of the nerdy shit that I liked. Thoughts went from, “This cartoon is stupid, I shouldn’t tell anyone else I like it”, to, “I love this cartoon and I am going to dress as the main character for Halloween." Previously I thought that such a shift in mentality would set me free. No longer would I have to be embarrassed of the interests I had, I could be proud of them for they made me who I am.
Now, I am not so sure. I think I became too convinced that the media I consumed was who I was, but I am beginning to believe that what you create is who you are. How can I be anything if all I do is consume? That is not living, that is sedentary. That is a being that does not seek out the world, it is a being that is fed by a tube reliant on the machine to determine who it believes it is. I cannot let this be me. I must create.
This is why I have made this website. It is my belief that if I build a home, I will want to furnish it. Having a home for my writing, for my pondering, for my creating, will motivate me to write, ponder, and create. There are so many hobbies that I wished I had been able to continue with, but inevitably I become distracted by the pocket computer that wishes to feed my brain slop through a tube. This precious muscle inside my skull has become accustomed to the dopamine of never ending media my phone screen has fed me, and it needs to figure out how to be itself. I need to figure out how to be myself.
It is imperative that I create something, anything, no matter how small or inconsequential. If I do not, I may never release myself from the claws the modern media machine has sunk into my mind. In doing so I hope to find and better understand myself. I hope that instead of defining myself by my interests, I may define myself by my creations. That I can look back on this project and be proud of what I have been able to accomplish because isn’t that what really matters? Don’t we all hope that once we reach the end of our co(s)mically short lives we will be able to look back and say, “I did well”? I’m not interested in creating something that will immortalize myself motivated by narcissism. I just want to make something that I can point to and say, “That’s me!”, and maybe other people will enjoy hanging out with me for a little while.